Finding Summer.

Sometimes when I look at my life I wonder where time went. I think about being a young girl in Washington DC, hanging out with my friends after school at Gallery Place or just riding the bus around gazing at my beautiful city. Often times I miss my family and friends and wonder what it would be like if I moved back. What if I never left? But we are all different now. I am different now. I still think about it though.

Atlanta changed me  A LOT. There were many betrayals and failed aspirations. I couldn’t help but run back home every chance I got. My parents didn’t understand me. I had no friends or great love of my life. I looked to my college peers and my line sisters as inspiration. They were the prettiest and most intelligent people I had ever met. They were from all walks of life; different struggles, different successes. Why couldn’t I be like them? Why wasn’t I pretty like them? Where is my success?

I worked hard so that I could calm my anxieties. During this time I met my best friend Troy. At first our relationship was artificial but we came to realize that our loyalty was love. He had choices to make and growing up to do so we parted. I had growing up to do myself. I was still focused on going back home.

One night Troy saw me and said that I looked so beautiful that a tear fell from his eye. At that time, he as dating another girl and I told him that he needed to make his mind up. In the end we decided to give it another shot.

Two weeks into us rekindling our relationship, his ex broke into his apartment when he wasn’t home and killed her 3 year old daughter. We are still trying to figure out what the real purpose was for this but she said she wanted to take away our happiness. And that is exactly what she did.

After this when this woman went to prison, I found out I was pregnant. We were homeless together sleeping on my friends couch and I was unemployed. I got a job working at a school in the admission office which didn’t pay much but it helped us get another place to live.

Troy worked hard to fight off his guilt of what happened to that 3 year old girl. He felt indirectly responsible and he grew distant.

One day at work my incompetent cervix gave way and my son Caleb died at 20 weeks. Depression became REAL. Sometimes I look at his box of things and cry. I miss him so much. Troy wasn’t the same. I wasn’t the same. We tried to heal by going on trips, eating healthy and working out together. I even tried going to church but I am more spiritual than religious so that didn’t work out. I was so over 2014 and was ready for a new year.

March came around and the school that I worked at closed its doors. Troy and I decided to go to New Orleans and we had the time of our lives. We came back home and I did not have my period.

On November 26th 2015, my son Ellis Kendrick Walker was born. He was so precious. I remember sitting in the nursery and staring at him all night wanting to hold him and kiss him. Now he is 9 months old terrorizing his father and me. Words cannot express how much we love him. We often talk about another baby but we never plan these things.

Life has changed so much. I have spent a lot of time searching for myself and what I wanted out of life. My friend Candice whom I call “soul sista” helped me to realize that happiness is the most important thing. Troy and I have overcome so many financial and emotional battles and we are coming out on the other end. He is a truck driver now and I’ve stayed at home with the baby while I’ve been in grad school. I recently have decided to become a teacher and will be starting a new job soon. Troy and I are getting married next year and will buy a new house to match the new car we just purchased.  I look at my son and can’t wait to watch him grow. He inspires me to be the greatest.

I turn 26 in the next two weeks and I vow to have continuous good health in body and mind and to always seek happiness. I pray for this for my family and friends. I am grateful to have found summer.